The Complete Works of Mark Twain

Mark Twain > The Prince and the Pauper > Chapter VII

The Prince and the Pauper

Chapter VII

Tom's first royal dinner.

Somewhat after one in the afternoon, Tom resignedly underwent the ordeal
of being dressed for dinner. He found himself as finely clothed as
before, but everything different, everything changed, from his ruff to
his stockings. He was presently conducted with much state to a spacious
and ornate apartment, where a table was already set for one. Its
furniture was all of massy gold, and beautified with designs which well-
nigh made it priceless, since they were the work of Benvenuto. The room
was half-filled with noble servitors. A chaplain said grace, and Tom was
about to fall to, for hunger had long been constitutional with him, but
was interrupted by my lord the Earl of Berkeley, who fastened a napkin
about his neck; for the great post of Diaperers to the Prince of Wales
was hereditary in this nobleman's family. Tom's cupbearer was present,
and forestalled all his attempts to help himself to wine. The Taster to
his highness the Prince of Wales was there also, prepared to taste any
suspicious dish upon requirement, and run the risk of being poisoned. He
was only an ornamental appendage at this time, and was seldom called upon
to exercise his function; but there had been times, not many generations
past, when the office of taster had its perils, and was not a grandeur to
be desired. Why they did not use a dog or a plumber seems strange; but
all the ways of royalty are strange. My Lord d'Arcy, First Groom of the
Chamber, was there, to do goodness knows what; but there he was--let that
suffice. The Lord Chief Butler was there, and stood behind Tom's chair,
overseeing the solemnities, under command of the Lord Great Steward and
the Lord Head Cook, who stood near. Tom had three hundred and eighty-
four servants beside these; but they were not all in that room, of
course, nor the quarter of them; neither was Tom aware yet that they

All those that were present had been well drilled within the hour to
remember that the prince was temporarily out of his head, and to be
careful to show no surprise at his vagaries. These 'vagaries' were soon
on exhibition before them; but they only moved their compassion and their
sorrow, not their mirth. It was a heavy affliction to them to see the
beloved prince so stricken.

Poor Tom ate with his fingers mainly; but no one smiled at it, or even
seemed to observe it. He inspected his napkin curiously, and with deep
interest, for it was of a very dainty and beautiful fabric, then said
with simplicity--

"Prithee, take it away, lest in mine unheedfulness it be soiled."

The Hereditary Diaperer took it away with reverent manner, and without
word or protest of any sort.

Tom examined the turnips and the lettuce with interest, and asked what
they were, and if they were to be eaten; for it was only recently that
men had begun to raise these things in England in place of importing them
as luxuries from Holland. {1} His question was answered with grave
respect, and no surprise manifested. When he had finished his dessert,
he filled his pockets with nuts; but nobody appeared to be aware of it,
or disturbed by it. But the next moment he was himself disturbed by it,
and showed discomposure; for this was the only service he had been
permitted to do with his own hands during the meal, and he did not doubt
that he had done a most improper and unprincely thing. At that moment
the muscles of his nose began to twitch, and the end of that organ to
lift and wrinkle. This continued, and Tom began to evince a growing
distress. He looked appealingly, first at one and then another of the
lords about him, and tears came into his eyes. They sprang forward with
dismay in their faces, and begged to know his trouble. Tom said with
genuine anguish--

"I crave your indulgence: my nose itcheth cruelly. What is the custom
and usage in this emergence? Prithee, speed, for 'tis but a little time
that I can bear it."

None smiled; but all were sore perplexed, and looked one to the other in
deep tribulation for counsel. But behold, here was a dead wall, and
nothing in English history to tell how to get over it. The Master of
Ceremonies was not present: there was no one who felt safe to venture
upon this uncharted sea, or risk the attempt to solve this solemn
problem. Alas! there was no Hereditary Scratcher. Meantime the tears
had overflowed their banks, and begun to trickle down Tom's cheeks. His
twitching nose was pleading more urgently than ever for relief. At last
nature broke down the barriers of etiquette: Tom lifted up an inward
prayer for pardon if he was doing wrong, and brought relief to the
burdened hearts of his court by scratching his nose himself.

His meal being ended, a lord came and held before him a broad, shallow,
golden dish with fragrant rosewater in it, to cleanse his mouth and
fingers with; and my lord the Hereditary Diaperer stood by with a napkin
for his use. Tom gazed at the dish a puzzled moment or two, then raised
it to his lips, and gravely took a draught. Then he returned it to the
waiting lord, and said--

"Nay, it likes me not, my lord: it hath a pretty flavour, but it wanteth

This new eccentricity of the prince's ruined mind made all the hearts
about him ache; but the sad sight moved none to merriment.

Tom's next unconscious blunder was to get up and leave the table just
when the chaplain had taken his stand behind his chair, and with uplifted
hands, and closed, uplifted eyes, was in the act of beginning the
blessing. Still nobody seemed to perceive that the prince had done a
thing unusual.

By his own request our small friend was now conducted to his private
cabinet, and left there alone to his own devices. Hanging upon hooks in
the oaken wainscoting were the several pieces of a suit of shining steel
armour, covered all over with beautiful designs exquisitely inlaid in
gold. This martial panoply belonged to the true prince--a recent present
from Madam Parr the Queen. Tom put on the greaves, the gauntlets, the
plumed helmet, and such other pieces as he could don without assistance,
and for a while was minded to call for help and complete the matter, but
bethought him of the nuts he had brought away from dinner, and the joy it
would be to eat them with no crowd to eye him, and no Grand Hereditaries
to pester him with undesired services; so he restored the pretty things
to their several places, and soon was cracking nuts, and feeling almost
naturally happy for the first time since God for his sins had made him a
prince. When the nuts were all gone, he stumbled upon some inviting
books in a closet, among them one about the etiquette of the English
court. This was a prize. He lay down upon a sumptuous divan, and
proceeded to instruct himself with honest zeal. Let us leave him there
for the present.

< Back
Forward >

Index Index

Other Authors Other Authors

Mark Twain. Copyright 2008,
Contact the webmaster
Disclaimer here. Privacy Policy here.