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Mark Twain > Innocents Abroad > Chapter LVII

Innocents Abroad

Chapter LVII

It was worth a kingdom to be at sea again. It was a relief to drop all
anxiety whatsoever--all questions as to where we should go; how long we
should stay; whether it were worth while to go or not; all anxieties
about the condition of the horses; all such questions as "Shall we ever
get to water?" "Shall we ever lunch?" "Ferguson, how many more million
miles have we got to creep under this awful sun before we camp?" It was
a relief to cast all these torturing little anxieties far away--ropes of
steel they were, and every one with a separate and distinct strain on it
--and feel the temporary contentment that is born of the banishment of
all care and responsibility. We did not look at the compass: we did not
care, now, where the ship went to, so that she went out of sight of land
as quickly as possible. When I travel again, I wish to go in a pleasure
ship. No amount of money could have purchased for us, in a strange
vessel and among unfamiliar faces, the perfect satisfaction and the sense
of being at home again which we experienced when we stepped on board the
"Quaker City,"--our own ship--after this wearisome pilgrimage. It is a
something we have felt always when we returned to her, and a something we
had no desire to sell.

We took off our blue woollen shirts, our spurs, and heavy boots, our
sanguinary revolvers and our buckskin-seated pantaloons, and got shaved
and came out in Christian costume once more. All but Jack, who changed
all other articles of his dress, but clung to his traveling pantaloons.
They still preserved their ample buckskin seat intact; and so his short
pea jacket and his long, thin legs assisted to make him a picturesque
object whenever he stood on the forecastle looking abroad upon the ocean
over the bows. At such times his father's last injunction suggested
itself to me. He said:

"Jack, my boy, you are about to go among a brilliant company of gentlemen
and ladies, who are refined and cultivated, and thoroughly accomplished
in the manners and customs of good society. Listen to their
conversation, study their habits of life, and learn. Be polite and
obliging to all, and considerate towards every one's opinions, failings
and prejudices. Command the just respect of all your fellow-voyagers,
even though you fail to win their friendly regard. And Jack--don't you
ever dare, while you live, appear in public on those decks in fair
weather, in a costume unbecoming your mother's drawing-room!"

It would have been worth any price if the father of this hopeful youth
could have stepped on board some time, and seen him standing high on the
fore-castle, pea jacket, tasseled red fez, buckskin patch and all,
placidly contemplating the ocean--a rare spectacle for any body's

After a pleasant voyage and a good rest, we drew near to Egypt and out of
the mellowest of sunsets we saw the domes and minarets of Alexandria rise
into view. As soon as the anchor was down, Jack and I got a boat and
went ashore. It was night by this time, and the other passengers were
content to remain at home and visit ancient Egypt after breakfast. It
was the way they did at Constantinople. They took a lively interest in
new countries, but their school-boy impatience had worn off, and they had
learned that it was wisdom to take things easy and go along comfortably--
these old countries do not go away in the night; they stay till after

When we reached the pier we found an army of Egyptian boys with donkeys
no larger than themselves, waiting for passengers--for donkeys are the
omnibuses of Egypt. We preferred to walk, but we could not have our own
way. The boys crowded about us, clamored around us, and slewed their
donkeys exactly across our path, no matter which way we turned. They
were good-natured rascals, and so were the donkeys. We mounted, and the
boys ran behind us and kept the donkeys in a furious gallop, as is the
fashion at Damascus. I believe I would rather ride a donkey than any
beast in the world. He goes briskly, he puts on no airs, he is docile,
though opinionated. Satan himself could not scare him, and he is
convenient--very convenient. When you are tired riding you can rest your
feet on the ground and let him gallop from under you.

We found the hotel and secured rooms, and were happy to know that the
Prince of Wales had stopped there once. They had it every where on
signs. No other princes had stopped there since, till Jack and I came.
We went abroad through the town, then, and found it a city of huge
commercial buildings, and broad, handsome streets brilliant with gas-
light. By night it was a sort of reminiscence of Paris. But finally
Jack found an ice-cream saloon, and that closed investigations for that
evening. The weather was very hot, it had been many a day since Jack had
seen ice-cream, and so it was useless to talk of leaving the saloon till
it shut up.

In the morning the lost tribes of America came ashore and infested the
hotels and took possession of all the donkeys and other open barouches
that offered. They went in picturesque procession to the American
Consul's; to the great gardens; to Cleopatra's Needles; to Pompey's
Pillar; to the palace of the Viceroy of Egypt; to the Nile; to the superb
groves of date-palms. One of our most inveterate relic-hunters had his
hammer with him, and tried to break a fragment off the upright Needle and
could not do it; he tried the prostrate one and failed; he borrowed a
heavy sledge hammer from a mason and tried again. He tried Pompey's
Pillar, and this baffled him. Scattered all about the mighty monolith
were sphinxes of noble countenance, carved out of Egyptian granite as
hard as blue steel, and whose shapely features the wear of five thousand
years had failed to mark or mar. The relic-hunter battered at these
persistently, and sweated profusely over his work. He might as well have
attempted to deface the moon. They regarded him serenely with the
stately smile they had worn so long, and which seemed to say, "Peck away,
poor insect; we were not made to fear such as you; in ten-score dragging
ages we have seen more of your kind than there are sands at your feet:
have they left a blemish upon us?"

But I am forgetting the Jaffa Colonists. At Jaffa we had taken on board
some forty members of a very celebrated community. They were male and
female; babies, young boys and young girls; young married people, and
some who had passed a shade beyond the prime of life. I refer to the
"Adams Jaffa Colony." Others had deserted before. We left in Jaffa Mr.
Adams, his wife, and fifteen unfortunates who not only had no money but
did not know where to turn or whither to go. Such was the statement made
to us. Our forty were miserable enough in the first place, and they lay
about the decks seasick all the voyage, which about completed their
misery, I take it. However, one or two young men remained upright, and
by constant persecution we wormed out of them some little information.
They gave it reluctantly and in a very fragmentary condition, for, having
been shamefully humbugged by their prophet, they felt humiliated and
unhappy. In such circumstances people do not like to talk.

The colony was a complete fiasco. I have already said that such as could
get away did so, from time to time. The prophet Adams--once an actor,
then several other things, afterward a Mormon and a missionary, always an
adventurer--remains at Jaffa with his handful of sorrowful subjects. The
forty we brought away with us were chiefly destitute, though not all of
them. They wished to get to Egypt. What might become of them then they
did not know and probably did not care--any thing to get away from hated
Jaffa. They had little to hope for. Because after many appeals to the
sympathies of New England, made by strangers of Boston, through the
newspapers, and after the establishment of an office there for the
reception of moneyed contributions for the Jaffa colonists, One Dollar
was subscribed. The consul-general for Egypt showed me the newspaper
paragraph which mentioned the circumstance and mentioned also the
discontinuance of the effort and the closing of the office. It was
evident that practical New England was not sorry to be rid of such
visionaries and was not in the least inclined to hire any body to bring
them back to her. Still, to get to Egypt, was something, in the eyes of
the unfortunate colonists, hopeless as the prospect seemed of ever
getting further.

Thus circumstanced, they landed at Alexandria from our ship. One of our
passengers, Mr. Moses S. Beach, of the New York Sun, inquired of the
consul-general what it would cost to send these people to their home in
Maine by the way of Liverpool, and he said fifteen hundred dollars in
gold would do it. Mr. Beach gave his check for the money and so the
troubles of the Jaffa colonists were at an end.--[It was an unselfish
act of benevolence; it was done without any ostentation, and has never
been mentioned in any newspaper, I think. Therefore it is refreshing to
learn now, several months after the above narrative was written, that
another man received all the credit of this rescue of the colonists.
Such is life.]

Alexandria was too much like a European city to be novel, and we soon
tired of it. We took the cars and came up here to ancient Cairo, which
is an Oriental city and of the completest pattern. There is little about
it to disabuse one's mind of the error if he should take it into his head
that he was in the heart of Arabia. Stately camels and dromedaries,
swarthy Egyptians, and likewise Turks and black Ethiopians, turbaned,
sashed, and blazing in a rich variety of Oriental costumes of all shades
of flashy colors, are what one sees on every hand crowding the narrow
streets and the honeycombed bazaars. We are stopping at Shepherd's
Hotel, which is the worst on earth except the one I stopped at once in a
small town in the United States. It is pleasant to read this sketch in
my note-book, now, and know that I can stand Shepherd's Hotel, sure,
because I have been in one just like it in America and survived:

     I stopped at the Benton House. It used to be a good hotel, but that
     proves nothing--I used to be a good boy, for that matter. Both of
     us have lost character of late years. The Benton is not a good
     hotel. The Benton lacks a very great deal of being a good hotel.
     Perdition is full of better hotels than the Benton.

     It was late at night when I got there, and I told the clerk I would
     like plenty of lights, because I wanted to read an hour or two.
     When I reached No. 15 with the porter (we came along a dim hall that
     was clad in ancient carpeting, faded, worn out in many places, and
     patched with old scraps of oil cloth--a hall that sank under one's
     feet, and creaked dismally to every footstep,) he struck a light--
     two inches of sallow, sorrowful, consumptive tallow candle, that
     burned blue, and sputtered, and got discouraged and went out. The
     porter lit it again, and I asked if that was all the light the clerk
     sent. He said, "Oh no, I've got another one here," and he produced
     another couple of inches of tallow candle. I said, "Light them both
     --I'll have to have one to see the other by." He did it, but the
     result was drearier than darkness itself. He was a cheery,
     accommodating rascal. He said he would go "somewheres" and steal a
     lamp. I abetted and encouraged him in his criminal design. I heard
     the landlord get after him in the hall ten minutes afterward.

     "Where are you going with that lamp?"

     "Fifteen wants it, sir."

     "Fifteen! why he's got a double lot of candles--does the man want
     to illuminate the house?--does he want to get up a torch-light
     procession?--what is he up to, any how?"

     "He don't like them candles--says he wants a lamp."

     "Why what in the nation does----why I never heard of such a thing?
     What on earth can he want with that lamp?"

     "Well, he only wants to read--that's what he says."

     "Wants to read, does he?--ain't satisfied with a thousand candles,
     but has to have a lamp!--I do wonder what the devil that fellow
     wants that lamp for? Take him another candle, and then if----"

     "But he wants the lamp--says he'll burn the d--d old house down if
     he don't get a lamp!" (a remark which I never made.)

     "I'd like to see him at it once. Well, you take it along--but I
     swear it beats my time, though--and see if you can't find out what
     in the very nation he wants with that lamp."

     And he went off growling to himself and still wondering and
     wondering over the unaccountable conduct of No. 15. The lamp was a
     good one, but it revealed some disagreeable things--a bed in the
     suburbs of a desert of room--a bed that had hills and valleys in it,
     and you'd have to accommodate your body to the impression left in it
     by the man that slept there last, before you could lie comfortably;
     a carpet that had seen better days; a melancholy washstand in a
     remote corner, and a dejected pitcher on it sorrowing over a broken
     nose; a looking-glass split across the centre, which chopped your
     head off at the chin and made you look like some dreadful unfinished
     monster or other; the paper peeling in shreds from the walls.

     I sighed and said: "This is charming; and now don't you think you
     could get me something to read?"

     The porter said, "Oh, certainly; the old man's got dead loads of
     books;" and he was gone before I could tell him what sort of
     literature I would rather have. And yet his countenance expressed
     the utmost confidence in his ability to execute the commission with
     credit to himself. The old man made a descent on him.

     "What are you going to do with that pile of books?"

     "Fifteen wants 'em, sir."

     "Fifteen, is it? He'll want a warming-pan, next--he'll want a
     nurse! Take him every thing there is in the house--take him the
     bar-keeper--take him the baggage-wagon--take him a chamber-maid!
     Confound me, I never saw any thing like it. What did he say he
     wants with those books?"

     "Wants to read 'em, like enough; it ain't likely he wants to eat
     'em, I don't reckon."

     "Wants to read 'em--wants to read 'em this time of night, the
     infernal lunatic! Well, he can't have them."

     "But he says he's mor'ly bound to have 'em; he says he'll just go a-
     rairin' and a-chargin' through this house and raise more--well,
     there's no tellin' what he won't do if he don't get 'em; because
     he's drunk and crazy and desperate, and nothing'll soothe him down
     but them cussed books." [I had not made any threats, and was not in
     the condition ascribed to me by the porter.]

     "Well, go on; but I will be around when he goes to rairing and
     charging, and the first rair he makes I'll make him rair out of the
     window." And then the old gentleman went off, growling as before.

     The genius of that porter was something wonderful. He put an armful
     of books on the bed and said "Good night" as confidently as if he
     knew perfectly well that those books were exactly my style of
     reading matter. And well he might. His selection covered the whole
     range of legitimate literature. It comprised "The Great
     Consummation," by Rev. Dr. Cummings--theology; "Revised Statutes of
     the State of Missouri"--law; "The Complete Horse-Doctor"--medicine;
     "The Toilers of the Sea," by Victor Hugo--romance; "The works of
     William Shakspeare"--poetry. I shall never cease to admire the tact
     and the intelligence of that gifted porter.

But all the donkeys in Christendom, and most of the Egyptian boys, I
think, are at the door, and there is some noise going on, not to put it
in stronger language.--We are about starting to the illustrious Pyramids
of Egypt, and the donkeys for the voyage are under inspection. I will go
and select one before the choice animals are all taken.

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