"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."
"There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry."
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
"Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours."
"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read."
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one."
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."
"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
"He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain."
"The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them."
"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."
"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."
"It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you."
"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to."
"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice."
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before."
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."
"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."
"It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race."
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot."